Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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