smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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