He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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