batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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