Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
3pm strippers are depressing
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
