just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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