Ambien. No doubt about it.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
