I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
