Someone shit on the floor
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
