just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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