dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
