I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
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..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
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I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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