and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
