New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
