I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
