The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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