I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I've blown a few things in my day
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
