I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He passed out mid-signature
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
