you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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