So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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