It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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