Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
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