2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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