I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
