I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
