awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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