He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
