If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
