While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
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Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize