Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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