areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
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