Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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