you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
