I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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