I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
