Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
