remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
