Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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