My sheets look like a crime scene.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
