We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
