I could make wine with my vomit
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
