walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
