remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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