Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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