So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You coming home soon, man?
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?