Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
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Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
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Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.