ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
