Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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