tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
