Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
