I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
