my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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