hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
