I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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