chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
