Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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