im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
