I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
