Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
