Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i drank out of a bidet.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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