This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
