if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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